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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29398086">How Can I Protect You When I Can't Even Protect Myself?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gargamels_Juicy_Weenis/pseuds/Gargamels_Juicy_Weenis'>Gargamels_Juicy_Weenis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But I wanted to make him feel better, But oops I ruined him, Clay | Dream Redemption (Video Blogging RPF), Enderman Hybrid Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), He's an evil manipulative bastard, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I was sad and took it out on Dream, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, Memory Loss, My bad &gt;:), Prison, Prisoner Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), References to Depression, Self-Hatred, So I could feel better, Suicidal Thoughts, not really memory loss but actually just Ranboo's shit memory</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:23:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29398086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gargamels_Juicy_Weenis/pseuds/Gargamels_Juicy_Weenis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dream has been in prison for who even knows how long at this point, giving him plenty of time to reflect.</p><p>He finds he has more regrets than he thought.</p><p>Ranboo notices.</p><p>// I was feeling sad and took it out on our favourite bastardous green Teletubby //</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream &amp; Darryl Noveschosch, Clay | Dream &amp; Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream &amp; Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>175</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How Can I Protect You When I Can't Even Protect Myself?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Time is so easy to lose when you have all the time in the world. Even more so without a means to ground yourself in the moments that pass. It becomes seemingly faster, slower, too soon, and not soon enough in the blink of an eye.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Time has become nothing and everything to Dream.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He thought he had enough time. He thought he'd had all that he'd ever needed.</p><p>It was only now, after being locked in the prison he built for <em>one</em> person in particular, <strike>himself</strike>, that he realised time held no value to him.</p><p> </p><p>He'd spent almost every moment he could spare since starting Esempi on planning and plotting. As time went on and more and more people entered Esempi, Dream felt more and more of the need to control them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Control.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It was a recent label he had given his actions, thoughts, everything. He hadn't meant to control them in the beginning. He'd had a different label for it back then.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Protection.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>All he had wanted was to protect the people and their growing bonds with each other. They were on their way to becoming a <em>beautiful</em> thing as friendships, relationships, and family were formed among them.</p><p>He wished he could've been part of it. He quickly decided that he wouldn't belong in their mix, so he found a way to take his mind off of it. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Bury himself in his duties.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He was the <em>Admin</em>, who each held two responsibilities that empowered them and their lands when upheld. The first was universal for all Admin; fix any and all problems held within their lands. The second was personal to individual Admin's; <em>protect the growing family within Esempi as his own.</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Matter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>With time, he found flaws in the world, so he fixed them.</p><p> </p><p>There were natural dangers in the world; natural ways to die; to lose lives; to lose Lives. Falling, suffocating, drowning, starvation, dehydration, heat, cold.</p><p>He helped them build homes.</p><p>He protected them from the elements.</p><p>He helped them traverse the lands.</p><p>He <em>protected</em> them.</p><p>He protected them while mining underground, swimming across oceans, even crossing to the Nether.</p><p>He gave supplies, advice, information, provided comfort, shelter, food.</p><p>He helped them.</p><p>He <em>protected</em> them.</p><p>That is, until they were strong enough to survive on their own.</p><p>They no longer needed his help; his <em>protection.</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>That was fine.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Monsters were often found terrorising the lands.</p><p>Monsters which typically relied on pure instinct to attack.</p><p>They may not need help against nature, but they did require help against hostile creatures.</p><p>So, he <em>protected</em> them.</p><p>He fought off the mobs until he could barely stand.</p><p>They thanked him only occasionally, but that was fine.</p><p>He didn't need their gratitude.</p><p>As long as Esempi lived on to grow and flourish among these amazing individuals, he was ready to fight mobs until he collapsed.</p><p>Until they practiced fighting, learning to defend themselves, gained the skills to fight back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He was fine.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>People, he found, inevitably succumb to greed and power. Arguments broke into fights broke into battles broke into wars. New members were thrust into the middle and told to blindly choose a side. Old members betrayed eachother for self-gain.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He hated it.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>There was no need, he had decided, for him to pick any permanent sides. He wanted the best for everyone and there was no way to bring that about when only caring about his chosen side. He could just stay semi-neutral. When a fight broke out, he'd support whoever was weaker, lesser, or had a disadvantage. That way, it would be even. No winning or losing sides. They would come to a stalemate and agree-to-disagree or compromise.</p><p>It was <em>perfect.</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Invisible flaws went unseen by blind eyes.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He never realised that his efforts only fanned the flames. He never realised how he only made it all worse. He never realised he was only allowing the building frustration, raging hatred, and utter contempt for him fester and grow, twisting to disgusting degrees. There was only one thought which remained constant in his mind when <em>protect</em> Esempi became <em>control</em> Esempi.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Nothing was fine.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Now, as he sits in his lonesome cell, he finally understands. He has all the time he needs laid before him to see the world for what it is. For what he caused. He finds he has another feeling in him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Regret.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He has no idea how long he'd been stuck in this boiling room wasting away. It could've been days; it could've been decades. The clock on the wall, which has since garnered the phrase <em>"Do Not Burn,"</em> is only a wistful reminder that his connection to the outside world is null and void. He is completely alone now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He laughed at first.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He was so certain he would not fit into the world he created, be left alone and forgotten, that he became his own self-fullfilling prophecy. He had predicted a future he'd have never come to see had he just kept his thoughts in the present. He has no need to think of the future now. <strike>He has no future.</strike> Just the past and the present, analyzing memories and thinking right now. He used to use others to bounce thoughts and hold them all together. He is completely alone now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He no longer laughs.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>At least he wasn't subjected to permanent isolation. He was allowed one visitor at a time, once a day, unless under special circumstances. He was thankful. He's had four visitors since he was locked in his cell.</p><p> </p><p>He wishes he could re-do over half of those <em>blessed</em> interactions.</p><p> </p><p>The first visitor he ever had was Tommy. The biggest regret he held was the insincerity in his apology. He knows apologies will never, <em>ever</em> right all his wrong-doings. Actions can only be solved with actions.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike>Tommy was almost driven to suicide twice, what does that mean for him?</strike>
</p><p> </p><p>When Tommy visited, he'd only been in his cell for a few days. Pure, unadulterated rage was all he felt, and he showed it in such a dull and vague way it hurts to recall. Manipulating Tommy was, as much as he loathes to admit, all he could think of doing. He lost his anger for his placement long ago.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike>He deserved it.</strike>
</p><p> </p><p>Oh, he was still angry, don't get him wrong. But all he felt was anger towards himself. He hated how he treated the people of Esempi; hated how he still continued his awful treatment after being imprisoned; hated how he could no longer <em>protect</em> those who'd made themselves snug in his heart.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He hated himself.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>If Tommy ever came back, as low as the chances of him wanting to visit his former abuser were, he'd make sure Tommy stayed. Not forever! Long enough for Tommy to sit down and hear him out. Hear his words, his reasonings, his thoughts from beginning to end. He'd make sure Tommy did not leave until he'd admit just how wrong he had been; made sure Tommy heard him apologise, heard his voice and hear him demand he <em>never</em> forgives him. He does <em>not</em> deserve forgiveness from anyone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike>He'll never earn anyone's forgiveness.</strike>
</p><p> </p><p>He'd remove his precious mask, the one he'd had from the start, the very same one that Esempi knew not to take away from him. He had spent years training his voice to never give away his emotions; he hadn't even spent a day on his face. His mask was there for a reason. He always hated how expressive his face was. Now, he hated how unexpressive his mask was.</p><p> </p><p>Next time he sees Tommy, he will look him in the eyes. He will give a thorough apology and he will mean it with his heart and soul. He will <em>not</em> make another mistake.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike>Why can't he stop making mistakes?</strike>
</p><p> </p><p>Second to visit was Bad. There was only a single regret he held regarding Bad's visit. Bad was so sweet and innocent, a pacifist in every way and the one person he could not imagine truly angry. He was a close friend. If he was so close, then why had he been so <em>cold</em> to him? He hadn't meant to be, he truly hadn't. There was nothing to talk about when he has nothing but raw potatoes, empty books, and a clock.</p><p>If Bad were to return, he would not be the one carrying on half-one-sided conversations. The moment he sits down, he would only get the chance to ask one or two questions before he'd be pelted with questions on what he'd been up to, where he'd gone, how was the world doing, how was everyone doing, anything new happening in his life, there were oh, so many questions to ask and so little time to speak.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He regrets not spending more time with Bad.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sapnap was the third. He will admit, he was insanely bored when Sapnap visited. Knowing Sapnap's short temper, he tried getting a rise out of him. He stayed silent. He used his books, all but one still as empty as the day he was given them, to write his messages. He was disappointed when not a hint of anger was given off by the end of the visit, even after a quick word and raspy <em>"Yes,"</em> proving he could speak at all.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike>He'd rather Sapnap scream, kick, kill him than be so very silent.</strike>
</p><p> </p><p>There was only one regret he had for Sapnap's visit. He wished he hadn't messed around so much. He wished he had spoken, had actually said something worth saying, had not asked Sapnap to pass a message to Ranboo, and especially not ":)"</p><p>He wished he'd realise before that, to Ranboo, that smile meant anything but <em>protection.</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It was already too late.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Finally, a few weeks later, the fourth and final visitor was Ranboo. Poor, innocent, naive Ranboo. He entered the cell so pale and terrified, he seemed as though he'd blow over with just the thought of a breeze. Despite his obvious discomfort and fear, he stuck out his visit longer than expected. By the time Ranboo had gained the courage to visit him, he'd had long enough to reflect on his past and realise the truth of most of his actions. He would <em>not</em> fail a fourth time.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike>All he did was fail.</strike>
</p><p> </p><p>In the end, Ranboo, the most likely of the four visitors to be manipulated during their visit, was the only one not manipulated in the slightest. He had kept an open mind while sitting down with Dream. He had listened intently to Dream's every word, doing his best to not forget a single one. In the end, Ranboo saw him for what he'd become.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Broken.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The most mentally torn hybrid looked down upon the once-powerful young man before him, kneeled to his level, and declared his mind more warped than his own. Sure, he could remember events, look back at memories and smile, think his own ideas, but had Ranboo ever hated himself as strong and opaque as Dream? He was no stranger to self-hatred, but not to the extent it could be seen and felt this easily.</p><p> </p><p>It was painful to see of the man he once thought of as an uncle, father, brother, family.</p><p> </p><p>The moment he mentioned Dream having a re-evaluation of his sentence, said man snapped into hysteria. He screamed, cried, pleaded and begged, but there was only one thing that stood out prominently to the half-ender. It wouldn't have been as loud to him as it was if not for the one fragile memory brought up. He'd once uttered the exact same words.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't belong-"</p><p> </p><p><em>Dream comforting him as he wept and sobbed, believing everyone to hate him despite his arrival only being an hour prior.</em> He hadn't met anyone so ready to be there for him without even knowing his name. He cherished that moment despite having forgotten it.</p><p> </p><p>"-in this place-"</p><p> </p><p>He resolved himself. Dream would <em>not</em> be left to rot here alone and left behind, forgotten by everyone.</p><p> </p><p>"-full of love-"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He'd remember him.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>"-and hope-"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He'd protect him.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>-and freedom.</em> </strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, quick explanation because it's killing me.</p><p>I never meant for this to turn out as it did.</p><p>Originally, I planned a one or twoshot of Dream feeling guilt and remorse for his actions since time alone with no outside contact is bound to make him think. I wanted to write pure fluff and comfort for a man seeking help and repenting his sins.</p><p>I did NOT plan to suddenly add backstory, Ranboo, and major feels.</p><p>Is it really too much to ask of myself? It should be so simple to inject emotions into an emotionless bastard. But oop-</p><p>I may have injected too much emotion and ended up with the psychological torture of a Broken Bastard™.</p><p>I think adding Ranboo's character fucked me up. I remembered that whole Ranboo prison thing and felt some unconscious vengeance for our sweet, lovely 'Boo-Baby.</p><p>I have zero regrets [[unlike Dream &gt;:)]]</p><p>((Except that I wrote this on zero sleep, food, or water in the span of 6 hours. Night-night. See ya'll in three days-))</p></blockquote></div></div>
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